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How do single people buy jeans?

I’m too white and too old for Hip Hop wear.  But right now I’d love a pair of those baggy jeans.

Do you think it would be possible for me to remain in the house until skinny jeans go out of style?

Last week my partner Marcus very sweetly said: “Honey, with your book, THE MARRYING KIND coming out so soon I think we need to update the jeans. The ones you’re wearing are–”

Yes?” I could feel my shoulders rise.

“They’re a little old man. In a bad way.”

As opposed to in a good way?

The jeans I enjoy are baggy and loose. They’re the kind of pants you could pull off without removing your shoes, not that I would ever do that. I like pants with roomy pockets.  Alas, this is not a contemporary look.

So we went to H&M.

Marcus loaded me up with jeans to try on and I felt my heart sink. Have I mentioned I was a fat boy. That I shopped in the husky department.  Despite my dismay, the first pair I tried on felt great!

“That’s because they’re 34,” Marcus apologized. “Sorry I grabbed the wrong size. Try the 32s.”

I didn’t want the 32s but Marcus made me try them on. They fit like gloves, which is a sensation I enjoy on my hands. Not so much on my thighs.

“You look great sweetheart!”

I wasn’t sure I could sit down in them.  I wanted to go home.

“Keep trying on jeans, honey.”

In all I bought four pair.

“That’s what an author looks like!” Marcus assured me when I tried on the Mick-Jagger-skinniest pair.

Funny, I thought authors looked like unkempt alcoholics.

The only reason I’m writing this blog today is so that I can put off leaving the house. Marcus took my old jeans to Goodwill.

Thanks, Honey!

I am grateful to my partner. And I do look good in the pants. And I can sit down. And…

I’d love my old jeans back.


  • May 4th 201216:05
    by marilyn

    This is just too funny . I think I would be hitting Goodwill the next day. By the way tho you look good. I hate buying jeans or should I say attempting to buy jeans. I am a straight mom who is built like an apple with thin legs, try fitting that into a pair of jeans! Thank God for stretch denim & long tailed shirts. Looking forward to your book in June

  • May 4th 201216:05
    by Ken O'Neill

    Thank you! And please tell your friends about the book. Really appreciate it.

  • May 18th 201218:05
    by Ken

    I’m with you. 34’s feel better on me too but I can still squeeze into 32’s but the leave a mark after I take them off (I hate that).

    I reviewed your book on my fledgling gay fiction blog, check it out if you have time, Ken: http://gayboybooks.blogspot.com/2012/05/marrying-kind.html

  • May 18th 201219:05
    by Ken O'Neill

    Thank you so much for reading my book and for the positive review. I really appreciate it.

  • Jun 27th 201212:06
    by Jenns

    I’m sure you look great!
    Having said that, I have to say I sympathize with the loss of your more comfortable jeans.
    Ouch. I can’t imagine losing mine. I know they’re not cool at all, as much as I try to cover with great jackets. ;)

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